Here's a great article called "Keep my Sac Intact".
It just seems like common sense to keep the sac intact. If it's ain't broken, don't break it. Yet, as this article explains, amniotomy is done routinely.
While I was doing my Capstone in L&D during nursing school I had a birth experience I will never forget. A couple was having their first child. They were ethnic and didn't speak English very well. The woman was probably in early active labor, or maybe even early labor. Her doctor was doing a routine amniotomy, probably without her understanding and consent. There was no arrest of labor or any indication to do it, I think it was just part of his routine. Come in, break the waters, pump the pit as needed, plug in the monitors, go back to the office for visits.
So I was fumbling around trying to hand him the instruments. He broke the water and a ton of fluid gushed out. I still remember handing him the fetal scalp electrode in a sterile manner. He twisted it into the babies head and the heart rate was in the 60s. For a few seconds he mumbled if he picked up mother's heart rate. He was getting tense and did a vaginal exam. "There's a cord!" he shouted. There was a huge flurry of action the next few minutes. The nurse I was working with jumped on the bed and inserted her fingers into the woman's vagina to hold the baby's head off the cord. The husband was shooed out of the room , the woman was screaming in pain and fear, and neither of them had any idea what was going one. She was wheeled to surgery. I was trying to help prep her and the doctor yelled "Can someone give me a nurse who knows what the hell she's doing!" (I was scared and shaky and new, I'm sorry). She was put under general anesthesia. The doctor made a quick vertical slice down her belly and her baby was born.
Thankfully, the baby was very healthy. The c-section saved his life. However, the medical intervention of breaking the water was what threatened his life in the first place!!!!!! This could have all been avoided had the doctor not broke her water.
After a few hours the mom was in her recovery room awake and ready to see her baby. I had the privilege of bringing her the baby. It was the sweetest thing to see this family reunited. They were scared and unsure of what happened, especially since they didn't speak English well, but all of that melted away when they got to hold their precious son. I think they were greatly relieved that their baby was safe and in their arms. Truly, it is a blessing that everything turned out okay. The story has a happy ending.
But still, remembering this story makes me upset. First of all, I thought the doctor was a jerk doctor. Not just this time but I remember not liking him with other patients either. The other nurses didn't really like him too. Secondly, this woman will never be able to have a vaginal birth with a vertical scar. She will be resigned to c-sections for the rest of her children. Thirdly, the whole entire thing could have been avoided if the doctor had not broken her water! Yet I was the one that got yelled at because I wasn't giving him his tools fast enough. Maybe he just needs all his tools taken away.
After this birth I cried in the operating room. It was all very overwhelming for me, and I also felt embarrassed for how the doctor yelled at me, perhaps with reason. The nurse I was working with was very sweet and said sometimes these events leave you shaky and teary.
Here's a little side note. With Audrey's birth, the midwife mentioned that I had a lot of fluid. I was upset about the c-section, so she tried to make me feel better by saying it was good I didn't have a VBAC or I might have had a cord prolapse. What?!? So much for believing in the ability of a woman to give birth. I really don't like that she gave me that idea. Now I have that fear. And having seen one, I know a cord prolapse does seem very scary.
I do think there is occasionally a time and a place for an amniotomy. I have seen a few done that were warranted, and read of some excellent midwives using them occasionally. But overall, I believe the sac is better left intact!
Showing posts with label birth stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth stories. Show all posts
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Another Birth
Sunday night I got called by my client in labor. I left my house at midnight and got home at noon the next day. Needless to say after doing an all-nighter Thursday night I am quite tired. But it's worth it! The couple did fantastic together and the mom had an all natural, wonderful birth. Her doctor really respected her birth plan. Mom was patient, strong, and super sweet during her birth. She labored in a lot of different positions, including sitting on a birth ball, leaning over the birth ball, walking the halls, resting in bed on her side, standing and hugging her husband, standing in the shower, using a squat bar, and even sitting on the toilet. With education, desire, and a supportive birth team, childbirth without drugs is very achievable! It is a privilege to be at births as a doula, and I am very excited that I've found this path.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Memories of Audrey's birth
May is a beautiful month. I love it here. I'm having a lot of memories from last May when I was very pregnant with Audrey and still hoping for a VBAC. It's gotten me thinking about her birth story. I wrote down a long version several months ago (as well as a long version of the experiences that led me up to her birth) but I'll just post her birth story now. It's really long, so I don't know if anyone would actually want to read it, but I do bare my soul so that's always interesting to read :)
Also, here is a picture of Audrey in the NICU. I know it's not a pretty picture, but sometimes I wish I could show it to people because this picture to me represents the effects of an unnecessary c-section.
I think perhaps if everything would have gone perfectly with the c-section I wouldn’t be having such a hard time with my failed VBAC. But who knows, because I never wanted the repeat c-section anyway. So here is what happened with her birth.
I lay there on the operating table, absolutely helpless and contributing nothing to the birth process. I could tell they had begun the operation, not because they told me or I felt anything, but I could smell the burning flesh as they were cutting me open and cauterizing the blood vessels that were bleeding. It’s a disgusting smell. I mentioned that and so the anesthesiologist told me he could put some oxygen tubes around my nose so I wouldn’t smell it. I said that would be preferable. I felt some tugging after a while. I asked how things looked down there and Beth, my midwife said, “They look good. You hardly have any scarring!”
After a few more tugs Kate, my nurse, said “I see the baby…do you want to know if she has hair?” “Sure” I said, and she answered “She’s got a lot of dark hair!” More tugging and pushing, and then Dr. Daube asked for the vacuum extractor. I thought, “Oh, this kid has a huge head like Nathan!” (Nathan had to have forceps to get him out). So he sucked her head out with the vacuum and we heard her cry. What a beautiful sound! Jason and I both looked at each other in excitement and I got my breath caught in my throat as I cried at that beautiful sound of a baby being born.
The cry was definitely wet sounding and quite gurgly. Dr. Daube took her around the curtain for a second while she was still all wet so I could see her right after she was born. I thought that was really nice. So I got a quick glimpse of her freshly born body. Then they brought her over to where the baby nurse and neonatologist were waiting by the warmer, as is standard. I kept hearing the neonatologist say “Lots of fluid, lots of mucus,” and I could tell things were not totally great. There was no panic or anything, but it just wasn’t quite right. They wrapped her up and brought her over to me and held her up by my head. I got to feel her precious head by mine. That is the most wonderful feeling, to have fresh baby cuddled into your face. We snapped a few pictures rather quickly. Audrey did have such dark hair, which surprised us a lot! She didn’t look like the boys did. She was just her own little person.
I only “held” her for about ten seconds because she had mucus pouring out of her nose and looked pretty dark, not all pink like she should have. So I said “give her back to them” and we all could tell that she was struggling. Again she went over to the warmer and the Neonatologist was suctioning more fluids from her nose and mouth. Well, that’s what I assume because I couldn’t see anything and was completely helpless with my belly cut open and my insides all exposed.
The neonatologist said she wanted to take Audrey to the NICU for evaluation. I told Jason “don’t let them take her away” so he started to walk over to them (because we felt the boys were taken away unnecessarily, and didn’t want her taken away). But I could tell this was different, and I knew that here they really only took them away if there was a problem, so I said “No, Jason” and we knew that she needed more care.
So there I was, lying on the operating table without a baby once again. Except this time I knew it was serious. But I was still hoping it wasn’t a big deal and I would just have the frustration of not being with her right away while she was evaluated a little more in the NICU. The details are a bit of a blur because I started feeling very bad physically. During the c-section I said I could feel some of what was going on, so the anesthesiologist gave me something for the pain. I’m not sure what it was, but I sure felt awful. During the actual surgery I felt better than I did with my first c-section, but I’d say the overall surgery and recovery was worse. They finished sewing me up and wheeled me to the recovery room. I was terribly dizzy and couldn’t even see straight. The room was tilting up and down very rapidly. I was also extremely sweaty. Kate was taking great care of me though. She was also checking on Audrey, which I was so thankful for. I was crying already at this point, but when she came and told me that they were actually admitting her as a patient in the NICU, I really started bawling. It was the worst feeling in the world! At that point I absolutely knew I had made a mistake in allowing them to do the c-section. All I felt was that I wanted her back in me, I wanted to start over.
Kate said a prayer with us and then later Jason said a prayer when my mom joined us. She was crying too. Kate was even crying. Jason wasn’t, he was very strong. I do believe our faith and prayers helped. Even though I had made a mistake and perhaps ignored the happiness/peace/comfort from the spirit that I should wait longer before having the c-section, the Lord was merciful on me.
For this surgery I was given a spinal instead of an epidural, and then right before they removed the spinal the anesthesiologist gave me “dura-morph” which gives pain control for about 24 hours, but because the spinal was removed I was able to move pretty well. The spinal and the dura-morph combo were definitely better than the epidural, which I had with the boys. But I’m not sure if it was the dura-morph or the medication he gave me in the operating room that made me feel woozy and sweaty. I couldn’t move much or I would feel dizzy.
However, I was soon doing well enough to move from recovery to post partum. On the way to my post partum room Kate wheeled me into the NICU so I could see Audrey. I was still lying flat on my back and being wheeled in my big bed, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to see her. As soon as I saw her I asked if I could hold her, even though she did have some tubes attached to her. The nurse said yes and got things ready for me to hold her. I put the head of my bed up and held her for about one minute. I was feeling very nauseous and the nurse was taking pictures. At the moment I was thinking “I wish I didn’t have to smile, I feel so awful” but later I’m glad she did because there would be no chance for pictures later. I was overcome with nausea and said I was going to throw up. They took Audrey from me and I left the NICU and entered the public hallway throwing up into a plastic bag that Kate grabbed at the last minute. She got a cool cloth for my forehead and it passed quickly. Still, it was so awful and humiliating to be feeling so terrible in front of everyone, but more awful was feeling so ill that I couldn’t even hold my daughter, let alone take care of her.
(Feb 25th, 2009)
Wow a lot of time has passed since I last wrote, but I want to try to finish the story of Audrey’s birth before I forget more details.
I left the NICU throwing up and was moved to my own room and put in the care of a very kind nurse. They assessed me and took over care. I continued to feel very awful. After the episode of throwing up, I couldn’t so much as lift my head or turn it side to side without feeling nauseas and having the room spin.
So much time has passed that I have forgotten a lot of the details, but basically there was a lot of waiting and worrying and crying on my part. I had so much regret about the c-section. It wasn’t fair! I wanted this birth! I knew the risks of the c-section. So many women don’t care about the type of birth or don’t know any of the risks and everything turns out fine. But I knew the risks, I longed for a vaginal birth, and yet here I was with another c-section and even worse, a baby in danger.
I felt very upset. I was crying a lot and feeling guilty. I just wanted to start everything over. I knew she was having these problems as a result of the c-section. Jason was trying to comfort me but I didn’t feel I could be comforted, especially as we were hearing worse news about Audrey.
Kate, who had already handed over my care and was taking care of other patients, was checking on Audrey as often as she could and giving me updates. If it weren’t for her, we would have had absolutely no communication on Audrey’s condition. First she came in and told us that Audrey was at the maximum amount of oxygen by nasal cannula and by hood oxygen. They were trying to get an umbilical line in. She had an IV, then tore it out, then got another one put in. It broke my heart, and still my breaks my heat, to think that she was poked and alone and probably scared. The warm comfort of her mother’s body was gone. Instead she had strange feelings, voices, and sights surrounding her.
Later Kate told us that the doctors in the NICU were busy taking care of some very sick babies, including ours. Audrey was showing signs of pulmonary hypertension, so they put her on a dopamine drip to raise her blood pressure. This would counteract the pulmonary hypertension so she would hopefully get some blood flow to her lungs. They were even talking about transferring her to another hospital (even though this was a level 3 NICU—the highest available) because she might need to go on an ECMO machine. The ECMO machine is an extremely high intervention that sounded so terrifying. Then she told us a little while later that Jason should probably give her a blessing, that we should contact our bishop. It sounded like she was hinting on the fact that Audrey might not survive. My heart continued to plummet into abyss. I am not sure I felt that depth of sorrow, regret, and pain before. I know now that the condition Audrey was having, pulmonary hypertension—PPHN—is indeed very scary and life threatening. It has about a 50% mortality rate. My cousin is a NICU nurse and she says PPHN is one of the most terrifying things they see. I’ve also learned that PPHN is five times more likely to occur in an elective cesarean. When I read that statistic a few months ago it hit me and confirmed what my heart knew: this was all because of the cesarean.
Even the nurses’ aids knew it. Most of them were immigrants with accents-- humble people. A few of the nurses would say it as well. When I would explain why my baby was in the NICU for aspirating fluids and complications arising from it, they would say “Oh yes, in a c-section they don’t get squeezed through the birth canal to clear their fluids”. I knew that of course, but I didn’t get annoyed by them saying it. In fact, I am glad they acknowledged that fact. Even though it was very painful for me because I felt at fault for having the c-section, it was the truth. However, my midwife and my doctor never acknowledged it, nor apologized for the c-section. They expressed concern and were kind, but said “sometimes those things just happen”. Dr Daube even said half jokingly that it was because I am a nurse. There seems to be a view that nurses have bad things happen to them. I remember hearing this during nursing school as well. I’m not sure if there is any truth to it. I do know that bad things can happen in c-sections, and I try to tell as many people as I can that c-sections are not as safe as vaginal births. Although in some cases they are life saving for mother and baby, overall a vaginal birth is safer for the mother and the baby. Many people do not know this. They think that if a c-section is lifesaving at times, it must be safer for all births.
After Kate gave us the scare that Audrey might not even live, we worked on getting someone over to help give a blessing. Our friend and former home teacher John Sapp met Jason at the hospital around 5:30 and they anointed her and gave her a blessing. I was so comforted by that.
Also, here is a picture of Audrey in the NICU. I know it's not a pretty picture, but sometimes I wish I could show it to people because this picture to me represents the effects of an unnecessary c-section.
Audrey’s Birth
(Written Sept 8, 2008)
(Written Sept 8, 2008)
I think perhaps if everything would have gone perfectly with the c-section I wouldn’t be having such a hard time with my failed VBAC. But who knows, because I never wanted the repeat c-section anyway. So here is what happened with her birth.
I lay there on the operating table, absolutely helpless and contributing nothing to the birth process. I could tell they had begun the operation, not because they told me or I felt anything, but I could smell the burning flesh as they were cutting me open and cauterizing the blood vessels that were bleeding. It’s a disgusting smell. I mentioned that and so the anesthesiologist told me he could put some oxygen tubes around my nose so I wouldn’t smell it. I said that would be preferable. I felt some tugging after a while. I asked how things looked down there and Beth, my midwife said, “They look good. You hardly have any scarring!”
After a few more tugs Kate, my nurse, said “I see the baby…do you want to know if she has hair?” “Sure” I said, and she answered “She’s got a lot of dark hair!” More tugging and pushing, and then Dr. Daube asked for the vacuum extractor. I thought, “Oh, this kid has a huge head like Nathan!” (Nathan had to have forceps to get him out). So he sucked her head out with the vacuum and we heard her cry. What a beautiful sound! Jason and I both looked at each other in excitement and I got my breath caught in my throat as I cried at that beautiful sound of a baby being born.
The cry was definitely wet sounding and quite gurgly. Dr. Daube took her around the curtain for a second while she was still all wet so I could see her right after she was born. I thought that was really nice. So I got a quick glimpse of her freshly born body. Then they brought her over to where the baby nurse and neonatologist were waiting by the warmer, as is standard. I kept hearing the neonatologist say “Lots of fluid, lots of mucus,” and I could tell things were not totally great. There was no panic or anything, but it just wasn’t quite right. They wrapped her up and brought her over to me and held her up by my head. I got to feel her precious head by mine. That is the most wonderful feeling, to have fresh baby cuddled into your face. We snapped a few pictures rather quickly. Audrey did have such dark hair, which surprised us a lot! She didn’t look like the boys did. She was just her own little person.
I only “held” her for about ten seconds because she had mucus pouring out of her nose and looked pretty dark, not all pink like she should have. So I said “give her back to them” and we all could tell that she was struggling. Again she went over to the warmer and the Neonatologist was suctioning more fluids from her nose and mouth. Well, that’s what I assume because I couldn’t see anything and was completely helpless with my belly cut open and my insides all exposed.
The neonatologist said she wanted to take Audrey to the NICU for evaluation. I told Jason “don’t let them take her away” so he started to walk over to them (because we felt the boys were taken away unnecessarily, and didn’t want her taken away). But I could tell this was different, and I knew that here they really only took them away if there was a problem, so I said “No, Jason” and we knew that she needed more care.
So there I was, lying on the operating table without a baby once again. Except this time I knew it was serious. But I was still hoping it wasn’t a big deal and I would just have the frustration of not being with her right away while she was evaluated a little more in the NICU. The details are a bit of a blur because I started feeling very bad physically. During the c-section I said I could feel some of what was going on, so the anesthesiologist gave me something for the pain. I’m not sure what it was, but I sure felt awful. During the actual surgery I felt better than I did with my first c-section, but I’d say the overall surgery and recovery was worse. They finished sewing me up and wheeled me to the recovery room. I was terribly dizzy and couldn’t even see straight. The room was tilting up and down very rapidly. I was also extremely sweaty. Kate was taking great care of me though. She was also checking on Audrey, which I was so thankful for. I was crying already at this point, but when she came and told me that they were actually admitting her as a patient in the NICU, I really started bawling. It was the worst feeling in the world! At that point I absolutely knew I had made a mistake in allowing them to do the c-section. All I felt was that I wanted her back in me, I wanted to start over.
Kate said a prayer with us and then later Jason said a prayer when my mom joined us. She was crying too. Kate was even crying. Jason wasn’t, he was very strong. I do believe our faith and prayers helped. Even though I had made a mistake and perhaps ignored the happiness/peace/comfort from the spirit that I should wait longer before having the c-section, the Lord was merciful on me.
For this surgery I was given a spinal instead of an epidural, and then right before they removed the spinal the anesthesiologist gave me “dura-morph” which gives pain control for about 24 hours, but because the spinal was removed I was able to move pretty well. The spinal and the dura-morph combo were definitely better than the epidural, which I had with the boys. But I’m not sure if it was the dura-morph or the medication he gave me in the operating room that made me feel woozy and sweaty. I couldn’t move much or I would feel dizzy.
However, I was soon doing well enough to move from recovery to post partum. On the way to my post partum room Kate wheeled me into the NICU so I could see Audrey. I was still lying flat on my back and being wheeled in my big bed, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to see her. As soon as I saw her I asked if I could hold her, even though she did have some tubes attached to her. The nurse said yes and got things ready for me to hold her. I put the head of my bed up and held her for about one minute. I was feeling very nauseous and the nurse was taking pictures. At the moment I was thinking “I wish I didn’t have to smile, I feel so awful” but later I’m glad she did because there would be no chance for pictures later. I was overcome with nausea and said I was going to throw up. They took Audrey from me and I left the NICU and entered the public hallway throwing up into a plastic bag that Kate grabbed at the last minute. She got a cool cloth for my forehead and it passed quickly. Still, it was so awful and humiliating to be feeling so terrible in front of everyone, but more awful was feeling so ill that I couldn’t even hold my daughter, let alone take care of her.
(Feb 25th, 2009)
Wow a lot of time has passed since I last wrote, but I want to try to finish the story of Audrey’s birth before I forget more details.
I left the NICU throwing up and was moved to my own room and put in the care of a very kind nurse. They assessed me and took over care. I continued to feel very awful. After the episode of throwing up, I couldn’t so much as lift my head or turn it side to side without feeling nauseas and having the room spin.
So much time has passed that I have forgotten a lot of the details, but basically there was a lot of waiting and worrying and crying on my part. I had so much regret about the c-section. It wasn’t fair! I wanted this birth! I knew the risks of the c-section. So many women don’t care about the type of birth or don’t know any of the risks and everything turns out fine. But I knew the risks, I longed for a vaginal birth, and yet here I was with another c-section and even worse, a baby in danger.
I felt very upset. I was crying a lot and feeling guilty. I just wanted to start everything over. I knew she was having these problems as a result of the c-section. Jason was trying to comfort me but I didn’t feel I could be comforted, especially as we were hearing worse news about Audrey.
Kate, who had already handed over my care and was taking care of other patients, was checking on Audrey as often as she could and giving me updates. If it weren’t for her, we would have had absolutely no communication on Audrey’s condition. First she came in and told us that Audrey was at the maximum amount of oxygen by nasal cannula and by hood oxygen. They were trying to get an umbilical line in. She had an IV, then tore it out, then got another one put in. It broke my heart, and still my breaks my heat, to think that she was poked and alone and probably scared. The warm comfort of her mother’s body was gone. Instead she had strange feelings, voices, and sights surrounding her.
Later Kate told us that the doctors in the NICU were busy taking care of some very sick babies, including ours. Audrey was showing signs of pulmonary hypertension, so they put her on a dopamine drip to raise her blood pressure. This would counteract the pulmonary hypertension so she would hopefully get some blood flow to her lungs. They were even talking about transferring her to another hospital (even though this was a level 3 NICU—the highest available) because she might need to go on an ECMO machine. The ECMO machine is an extremely high intervention that sounded so terrifying. Then she told us a little while later that Jason should probably give her a blessing, that we should contact our bishop. It sounded like she was hinting on the fact that Audrey might not survive. My heart continued to plummet into abyss. I am not sure I felt that depth of sorrow, regret, and pain before. I know now that the condition Audrey was having, pulmonary hypertension—PPHN—is indeed very scary and life threatening. It has about a 50% mortality rate. My cousin is a NICU nurse and she says PPHN is one of the most terrifying things they see. I’ve also learned that PPHN is five times more likely to occur in an elective cesarean. When I read that statistic a few months ago it hit me and confirmed what my heart knew: this was all because of the cesarean.
Even the nurses’ aids knew it. Most of them were immigrants with accents-- humble people. A few of the nurses would say it as well. When I would explain why my baby was in the NICU for aspirating fluids and complications arising from it, they would say “Oh yes, in a c-section they don’t get squeezed through the birth canal to clear their fluids”. I knew that of course, but I didn’t get annoyed by them saying it. In fact, I am glad they acknowledged that fact. Even though it was very painful for me because I felt at fault for having the c-section, it was the truth. However, my midwife and my doctor never acknowledged it, nor apologized for the c-section. They expressed concern and were kind, but said “sometimes those things just happen”. Dr Daube even said half jokingly that it was because I am a nurse. There seems to be a view that nurses have bad things happen to them. I remember hearing this during nursing school as well. I’m not sure if there is any truth to it. I do know that bad things can happen in c-sections, and I try to tell as many people as I can that c-sections are not as safe as vaginal births. Although in some cases they are life saving for mother and baby, overall a vaginal birth is safer for the mother and the baby. Many people do not know this. They think that if a c-section is lifesaving at times, it must be safer for all births.
After Kate gave us the scare that Audrey might not even live, we worked on getting someone over to help give a blessing. Our friend and former home teacher John Sapp met Jason at the hospital around 5:30 and they anointed her and gave her a blessing. I was so comforted by that.
When Jason returned I asked him what he said in the blessing, and he said he blessed her that her life would be preserved. I was very relieved. Oh, first back up a few hours. We weren’t sure exactly what we were going to name her because we wanted to spend time with her before we finalized a name. However, when Kate was letting us know how serious things were and suggesting she might even die, we knew we had to name her and make her life here on earth more grounded with a name. I hadn’t been able to see Audrey since my minute holding her in the NICU, but that was the name I favored and Jason agreed to it. So we simply said “Okay then, she will be Audrey Mae”. It felt so much better for her to have a name! And that is the name Jason used when he provided a blessing of healing to her.
Finally, at the end of the day around 6 or 7 pm the neonatologist that was at her birth came in our room and spoke with us. She told us about the fluid in her lungs that was making it difficult to breathe. She told us that she was having pulmonary hypertension but that it was being controlled finally by the dopamine and she was somewhat stabilizing. She also (or maybe it was Kate) explained how her heart was still working partly in fetal mode because of her respiratory distress. The cardiologist had seen her and done an echocardiogram. Her anatomy was fine; she just still was in fetal mode. It was nice to at least have some communication from her caretakers. Kate went above and beyond her duty in keeping us informed, and if it weren’t for her we wouldn’t have any idea what was going on. Jason was able to visit her a few times but they were busy doing things with her and also he wanted to stay and support me.
I was gradually feeling better throughout the day. Of course I was still exhausted and beat but was gaining strength and the nausea and dizziness were going away. I was still terribly sweaty though! My first post partum nurse ended her shift with me by saying a prayer. That was very touching. I didn’t like my next nurse so much. I had started pumping in the evening and she didn’t get my milk to refrigeration like she said she would for three or four hours. I know colostrum is fine to sit at room temperature, but I still wanted it refrigerated right away. Also I asked about seeing Audrey but she wasn’t very helpful with that.
At 11 pm I had a new nurse come one. She was my favorite nurse during the stay. I was crying still, or again, (who really knows as there were so many tears that first day) and she actually took a moment to listen and gave real sympathy. I wanted to see Audrey but the NICU apparently had four new admits and was closed to visitors. But she told me “I promise you I will get you to your baby tonight, as soon as the NICU will let us.” That was the most reassuring and compassionate thing I heard the whole time at the hospital. She also had a very friendly aid working with her and they spent several minutes getting me cleaned up and comfortable, and encouraged me to rest.
My rest was very fitful. I woke what seemed like every minute. Every time I heard any noise I would wake up. And in a hospital, that is quite often. I remember hearing an announcement for the NICU to have all available personnel come, or maybe it was even for a code, and I was sure it was Audrey. My heart was racing. A second later someone opened the door and I said, probably sounding quite delirious, “What is happening with my baby?!” It turned out it was just someone coming to take my blood pressure.
Finally around 3 AM my nurse and the aid came in and told me I could come see Audrey. I didn’t care one whit that I was exhausted and it was the middle of the night. In a hospital time doesn’t really matter. It is a twenty four hour world. Jason was sleeping in the hospital bed and I believe he slept through most of the night. They helped me into a wheelchair and wheeled me down to the NICU.
It was very surreal to see Audrey lying asleep in her plastic bassinet. She had oxygen tubes in her nose, an IV in her arm, and an umbilical line. She still looked beautiful, but I felt so sad for her lying there alone. And I felt so sad for me sitting in the wheel chair next to her. I was unable to hold her because of her lines. They really didn’t want to risk the venous line being pulled out. Also, the doctor that evening had said he didn’t want Audrey touched, or talked to, or stimulated in anyway, not even for a diaper change. He felt she just needed to rest quietly while her body worked on absorbing the fluid in her lungs so she could start functioning like a normal newborn. I felt this was a good plan, though it was hard not to touch her or hold her. I felt she was more the property of the NICU that my baby. Some c-section moms report feeling that they have trouble bonding with their child or even feel disconnected with it. I do not think I felt this way.
Well, maybe a little bit. But I loved her fiercely. I mourned that I didn’t get to have her in my arms at the moment of her birth and every moment after. I was very sad I wasn’t able to nurse her. I knew though that this was the medical care she needed.
I only stayed a few minutes as I was still quite weak from my surgery. When I returned to my bed I felt such relief and even joy at being able to see her that I was finally able to rest for a few hours.
The next morning the dizziness and nausea were gone. The pain medication was wearing off however, so that burning incision was a hindrance. However, I was up again and visited her in the NICU that morning. I spoke with the cardiologist and a neonatologist. The cardiologist was a very sweet man. He gave me my first real good news since she was taken to the NICU. She had another echocardiogram that morning and he said that she was getting better and would be okay. She was going to get through this. There were no congenital defects and there was just a small hole that would continue to close. I was so happy to hear some good news! I knew then that the crisis had passed. The neonatologist told me “Things were pretty hairy yesterday, but they are okay now”. The nurse the night before had told me she was in stable but critical condition. They didn’t label her condition that morning, but I felt it was probably just stable.
The NICU nurse that day was very kind. I was able to touch Audrey a little bit and talk to her. She was receiving nutrition through her IV line and was still nothing by mouth. However she was getting hungry and rooting all over the place. I felt so bad. I really wanted to have her be healthy so I could feed her. They gave her a binky, and I was worried that would interfere with breastfeeding. Now that I knew she was going to survive, I was ready to move on and have her in my arms. But they were very cautious in the NICU. She was still on oxygen, though it was being weaned. She still had her IV and venous lines in.
I asked the nurse when she had last had her diaper changed, and she said it wasn’t too long ago. I actually just wanted to see her naked. Even though they told me she was a girl, I wanted to see with my own eyes. The nurse took off her diaper and I got to look at her. She was a girl indeed. She was pretty chubby as well. She weighed 8 lbs 9 oz, and her face was a bit swollen, so she looked even fuller. She had such bright brown eyes with a very intense gaze when she was awake. I tried to spend as much time as I could with her but I also needed my rest, so I was in my room a lot that day.
The next day they determined that she could start feeding. Even though I said I wanted to breastfeed, they said she had to take a bottle first, and then she could breastfeed. I thought that was really stupid but didn’t feel like I was in much of a position to argue. The neonatologist on that day looked at her weight and prescribed a certain amount of milk that she was supposed to take. I wasn’t there when they gave Audrey her first feeding. No one even told me she was going to start. This bothered me, but at least she was getting my colostrum that I was working so hard at pumping.
The pumping wasn’t fun but at least I was getting out good amounts. The aids and nurses would always be impressed when I gave them the little plastic containers that I had pumped. One aid even said “Don’t let the other moms see that—they’ll be jealous!” That was silly but it made me feel good.
I was in the NICU when the nurse was giving Audrey her second feeding. I think it was maybe 2 ounces. The nurses said she had spit up some of her last feeding and would probably throw up this because it was too much. And she said that the next feeding was supposed to be even more! That’s what the doctor ordered, so that’s what she would get. She had a feeding tube going through her nose, and whatever she didn’t eat by bottle she would get force fed through the tube. It was frustrating but I didn’t really know if I had any control over it, so I tried not to get too upset by it. I found out they did give some formula during one of her feedings (again without asking me) but most of her feedings were my milk. She was keeping her sats up pretty well when she ate, but it was still a bit of a challenge to learn to eat and breathe from the bottle that was pouring out milk. I think it would have been better had she just been able to nurse.
Nathan and James visited me in the hospital that day, Sunday. I was so happy to see them. They
were shy at first about seeing me but then they cuddled up to me. Nathan wanted to meet Audrey but James didn’t. I took Nathan into the NICU to see his sister and it was the sweetest moment. He wasn’t at all scared but was so sweet and proud. That was the highlight of that day.
Physically I was up and walking by then, though quite slowly. Of course I was in pain but was regaining strength. I was also worried about constipation because I could tell I had a big hemorrhoid. That really was frustrating since I wasn’t expecting that with a c-section! It was quite a discomfort to me in my recovery. I was feeling happy and proud as a new mother, but I also had bouts of sadness and guilt. I remember crying into my pillow very hard when I was alone in the room saying “My baby! I just want my baby in my arms!” Another time I was holding a little baby doll that was for Audrey and I was just bawling. I was alone in my room at these times. I often had company of family, friends, or Jason, but it was nice to have a few minutes to myself to just cry.
Sunday evening I was told I could hold Audrey. She was now eating well enough that if her venous line accidentally came out it wouldn’t be a big deal. I was visiting Audrey in the NICU around 6:45 and was expecting a friend to visit around 7. My nurse asked if I wanted to hold Audrey and I couldn’t say no. She spent several minutes getting her lines and tubes situated, and then I sat in the chair and held her. It was so wonderful!! The only problem was it was soon 7 o’clock and I started worrying that my visitor would come and find my room empty. It was a stupid worry and I wish I would have just taken all the time I wanted to hold Audrey. But at about five after seven I told my nurse I had to go. I think she was kind of surprised (and maybe a little annoyed) that I was leaving after my first opportunity to hold her. I felt bad, especially when my visitor didn’t come until nearly 8! Oh well, I would have lots of time to hold her soon.
The next day was Monday and the hospital was back to its full staff. Audrey was fully off of her oxygen by then I think. She might have even had her other lines pulled. I can’t remember exactly. I knew she was better though and I was ready to take care of her. But the NICU wanted to make sure that the babies were totally ready to go home, so Audrey had to be off oxygen and be eating well for about a day. I was given the okay to nurse her so I had lactation come help me the first time I tried. Audrey latched on perfectly right away! I was so relieved! After two and a half days of nothing by mouth, then a day with a pacifier, then a day of being bottle fed, she still knew what to do. The lactation consultant was so happy and encouraging. She said I didn’t even need her, that I could teach all these other babies how to latch on.
The next time she didn’t latch on as well, and her sat monitors showed her desatting a bit. It’s a bit hard to nurse with beeping monitors, but I tried to be compliant and let them give her a bottle again. Then they would continue to stuff her full by NG tube. That afternoon I was trying to feed her but how could she eat if she wasn’t hungry?
I was in the NICU with my mom that afternoon and complaining about the feeding policy. I spoke with the nurse and she said that she was just doing her orders. I asked to speak with the doctor, so she went to find him. Incredulously, she came back and told me that he didn’t want to speak with me! I couldn’t believe it! His excuse was that he wasn’t her primary doctor. However, Audrey had had a different doctor every day, so no one was speaking me. No doctor had spoken to me in my room since the first day, and the next morning I caught a few doctors in the NICU that would speak to me, but that was the last of the communication. My mom was getting pretty worked up but I knew throwing a fit wouldn’t help.
So I just explained to the nurse that no doctor had spoken to me, and I would really like to speak to the doctor. She said she would talk to her supervisor. I guess the supervisor spoke to the doctor and a few minutes later he came over and was all nice. I was nice back and even played a little bit of “tell me about my baby oh wise doctor” to suck up. He said she was doing well and was completely weaned off her oxygen, but that they wanted to see her do “normal baby things—eat and poop—for 24 hours.” I explained that I wanted to nurse her and she was latching on well, but that she had no desire to eat because she was being stuffed by bottle. He told me that I could nurse her and changed the order to nursing on demand! That was my one triumph of Audrey’s birth. I had failed at bringing her safely into the world, but now I stood up to the doctor and was able to feed her the way that was best. The orders changed to breastfeeding on demand as long as she took a good feeding, and if it didn’t seem adequate they would follow with a bottle.
The next feeding or two she didn’t do quite as well, and was given a bottle afterwards because I only fed her for a few minutes. Truthfully I knew that this was fine but I played along and let them feed her with a bottle. That evening Audrey had a very breastfeeding friendly nurse taking care of her, and I breastfed exclusively from then on. I feel like that night was the night Audrey really learned to nurse well. The nurse observed me nursing and noted that Audrey was getting good feedings. She called me every couple of hours on my room phone when Audrey was acting hungry again. My milk was coming in and I was starting to get engorged, and my nipples were sore, but it was absolutely nothing like with the boys’ birth. I felt confident that I could nurse Audrey and take her home! She was off everything, and now we just had to prove to the doctors that we could take care of her.
This was pretty amazing because during her first day in the NICU both Kate and the neonatologist were saying she would probably be in the NICU 7-10 days. Instead, on Tuesday, June 24th on her 5th day of life she and I went home together. What a blessing! I was feeling so happy and relieved that everything turned out okay in the end. I got a little annoyed that morning when the nurse told me I couldn’t look at Audrey’s chart, but other than that it really was such a joyous day. I had descended into the pit of sorrow on Audrey’s birth day when I worried for my baby’s life, but now I was riding the waves of joy and gratitude because I was able to bring her home.
It was so special to get her out of her ugly hospital clothes and put her cute take home outfit on. I was discharged a few hours before her and then received all of her discharge instructions. It was early evening when Jason, Audrey and I all left the hospital on a beautiful summer day. I hadn’t been outside in five days and it seemed surreal almost. Jason was very happy as well, since he had actually gotten a bad sore throat and therefore stopped holding Audrey while in the hospital for fear of making her sick. But once we were out of the hospital, it seemed okay to hold her.
Audrey looked so tiny in her car seat and quietly rode home. We got to our clean home, thanks to my mom and brought our sweet Audrey into our home. It was such a wonderful feeling. We were so happy and grateful. Our hearts were full of thanks to Heavenly father for sparing her life. About an hour or so later my mom brought the boys over from the Henriksons. That was so special too! They were so sweet to her and we had a lot of fun introducing them. We have some wonderful pictures of those first few hours. My friend Leah brought dinner and mom had bought a darling little “birthday cake” to celebrate Audrey’s coming home. What a miracle it was!
There are many details I have left out about other visitors and even Jason. Jason was a rock to me the entire time. I wish he would have been more supportive of a vaginal birth, but he was absolutely supportive of me throughout the painful recovery and the even more painful emotions. He did cry a few times through the ordeal, but mostly was encouraging and faithful. And so sweet. He got a terrible headache one day and a bad sore throat another day as I mentioned. It wasn’t a picnic for him either! The hospital was about 40 minutes from our home, and he made several trips back and forth to care for the boys. He stayed with me a night or two, but not the entire time.
We were very happy to have Audrey in our home and in our lives, but I would still feel very sad because I didn’t get to birth her and because of all the trauma that happened. Those first few weeks and even months I cried many, many times. I also had a lot of bad dreams. I don’t feel I had depression, but perhaps a bit of post traumatic stress.
I started reading everything I could get my hands on in terms of books and internet sources. In time, my sadness turned to anger because of the general lack of faith in women’s bodies to give birth and the medicalization of birth. Now, 8 months later, I have a trace of sadness in me, still some anger, but mostly now just much more awareness of all that happened and why. The VBAC climate really is negative now. I feel that I want to try again to have a vaginal birth. At times I feel determined and hopeful, at other times doubtful and scared.
Finally, at the end of the day around 6 or 7 pm the neonatologist that was at her birth came in our room and spoke with us. She told us about the fluid in her lungs that was making it difficult to breathe. She told us that she was having pulmonary hypertension but that it was being controlled finally by the dopamine and she was somewhat stabilizing. She also (or maybe it was Kate) explained how her heart was still working partly in fetal mode because of her respiratory distress. The cardiologist had seen her and done an echocardiogram. Her anatomy was fine; she just still was in fetal mode. It was nice to at least have some communication from her caretakers. Kate went above and beyond her duty in keeping us informed, and if it weren’t for her we wouldn’t have any idea what was going on. Jason was able to visit her a few times but they were busy doing things with her and also he wanted to stay and support me.
I was gradually feeling better throughout the day. Of course I was still exhausted and beat but was gaining strength and the nausea and dizziness were going away. I was still terribly sweaty though! My first post partum nurse ended her shift with me by saying a prayer. That was very touching. I didn’t like my next nurse so much. I had started pumping in the evening and she didn’t get my milk to refrigeration like she said she would for three or four hours. I know colostrum is fine to sit at room temperature, but I still wanted it refrigerated right away. Also I asked about seeing Audrey but she wasn’t very helpful with that.
At 11 pm I had a new nurse come one. She was my favorite nurse during the stay. I was crying still, or again, (who really knows as there were so many tears that first day) and she actually took a moment to listen and gave real sympathy. I wanted to see Audrey but the NICU apparently had four new admits and was closed to visitors. But she told me “I promise you I will get you to your baby tonight, as soon as the NICU will let us.” That was the most reassuring and compassionate thing I heard the whole time at the hospital. She also had a very friendly aid working with her and they spent several minutes getting me cleaned up and comfortable, and encouraged me to rest.
My rest was very fitful. I woke what seemed like every minute. Every time I heard any noise I would wake up. And in a hospital, that is quite often. I remember hearing an announcement for the NICU to have all available personnel come, or maybe it was even for a code, and I was sure it was Audrey. My heart was racing. A second later someone opened the door and I said, probably sounding quite delirious, “What is happening with my baby?!” It turned out it was just someone coming to take my blood pressure.
Finally around 3 AM my nurse and the aid came in and told me I could come see Audrey. I didn’t care one whit that I was exhausted and it was the middle of the night. In a hospital time doesn’t really matter. It is a twenty four hour world. Jason was sleeping in the hospital bed and I believe he slept through most of the night. They helped me into a wheelchair and wheeled me down to the NICU.
It was very surreal to see Audrey lying asleep in her plastic bassinet. She had oxygen tubes in her nose, an IV in her arm, and an umbilical line. She still looked beautiful, but I felt so sad for her lying there alone. And I felt so sad for me sitting in the wheel chair next to her. I was unable to hold her because of her lines. They really didn’t want to risk the venous line being pulled out. Also, the doctor that evening had said he didn’t want Audrey touched, or talked to, or stimulated in anyway, not even for a diaper change. He felt she just needed to rest quietly while her body worked on absorbing the fluid in her lungs so she could start functioning like a normal newborn. I felt this was a good plan, though it was hard not to touch her or hold her. I felt she was more the property of the NICU that my baby. Some c-section moms report feeling that they have trouble bonding with their child or even feel disconnected with it. I do not think I felt this way.
Well, maybe a little bit. But I loved her fiercely. I mourned that I didn’t get to have her in my arms at the moment of her birth and every moment after. I was very sad I wasn’t able to nurse her. I knew though that this was the medical care she needed.
I only stayed a few minutes as I was still quite weak from my surgery. When I returned to my bed I felt such relief and even joy at being able to see her that I was finally able to rest for a few hours.
The next morning the dizziness and nausea were gone. The pain medication was wearing off however, so that burning incision was a hindrance. However, I was up again and visited her in the NICU that morning. I spoke with the cardiologist and a neonatologist. The cardiologist was a very sweet man. He gave me my first real good news since she was taken to the NICU. She had another echocardiogram that morning and he said that she was getting better and would be okay. She was going to get through this. There were no congenital defects and there was just a small hole that would continue to close. I was so happy to hear some good news! I knew then that the crisis had passed. The neonatologist told me “Things were pretty hairy yesterday, but they are okay now”. The nurse the night before had told me she was in stable but critical condition. They didn’t label her condition that morning, but I felt it was probably just stable.
The NICU nurse that day was very kind. I was able to touch Audrey a little bit and talk to her. She was receiving nutrition through her IV line and was still nothing by mouth. However she was getting hungry and rooting all over the place. I felt so bad. I really wanted to have her be healthy so I could feed her. They gave her a binky, and I was worried that would interfere with breastfeeding. Now that I knew she was going to survive, I was ready to move on and have her in my arms. But they were very cautious in the NICU. She was still on oxygen, though it was being weaned. She still had her IV and venous lines in.
I asked the nurse when she had last had her diaper changed, and she said it wasn’t too long ago. I actually just wanted to see her naked. Even though they told me she was a girl, I wanted to see with my own eyes. The nurse took off her diaper and I got to look at her. She was a girl indeed. She was pretty chubby as well. She weighed 8 lbs 9 oz, and her face was a bit swollen, so she looked even fuller. She had such bright brown eyes with a very intense gaze when she was awake. I tried to spend as much time as I could with her but I also needed my rest, so I was in my room a lot that day.
The next day they determined that she could start feeding. Even though I said I wanted to breastfeed, they said she had to take a bottle first, and then she could breastfeed. I thought that was really stupid but didn’t feel like I was in much of a position to argue. The neonatologist on that day looked at her weight and prescribed a certain amount of milk that she was supposed to take. I wasn’t there when they gave Audrey her first feeding. No one even told me she was going to start. This bothered me, but at least she was getting my colostrum that I was working so hard at pumping.
The pumping wasn’t fun but at least I was getting out good amounts. The aids and nurses would always be impressed when I gave them the little plastic containers that I had pumped. One aid even said “Don’t let the other moms see that—they’ll be jealous!” That was silly but it made me feel good.
I was in the NICU when the nurse was giving Audrey her second feeding. I think it was maybe 2 ounces. The nurses said she had spit up some of her last feeding and would probably throw up this because it was too much. And she said that the next feeding was supposed to be even more! That’s what the doctor ordered, so that’s what she would get. She had a feeding tube going through her nose, and whatever she didn’t eat by bottle she would get force fed through the tube. It was frustrating but I didn’t really know if I had any control over it, so I tried not to get too upset by it. I found out they did give some formula during one of her feedings (again without asking me) but most of her feedings were my milk. She was keeping her sats up pretty well when she ate, but it was still a bit of a challenge to learn to eat and breathe from the bottle that was pouring out milk. I think it would have been better had she just been able to nurse.
Nathan and James visited me in the hospital that day, Sunday. I was so happy to see them. They
were shy at first about seeing me but then they cuddled up to me. Nathan wanted to meet Audrey but James didn’t. I took Nathan into the NICU to see his sister and it was the sweetest moment. He wasn’t at all scared but was so sweet and proud. That was the highlight of that day.
Physically I was up and walking by then, though quite slowly. Of course I was in pain but was regaining strength. I was also worried about constipation because I could tell I had a big hemorrhoid. That really was frustrating since I wasn’t expecting that with a c-section! It was quite a discomfort to me in my recovery. I was feeling happy and proud as a new mother, but I also had bouts of sadness and guilt. I remember crying into my pillow very hard when I was alone in the room saying “My baby! I just want my baby in my arms!” Another time I was holding a little baby doll that was for Audrey and I was just bawling. I was alone in my room at these times. I often had company of family, friends, or Jason, but it was nice to have a few minutes to myself to just cry.
Sunday evening I was told I could hold Audrey. She was now eating well enough that if her venous line accidentally came out it wouldn’t be a big deal. I was visiting Audrey in the NICU around 6:45 and was expecting a friend to visit around 7. My nurse asked if I wanted to hold Audrey and I couldn’t say no. She spent several minutes getting her lines and tubes situated, and then I sat in the chair and held her. It was so wonderful!! The only problem was it was soon 7 o’clock and I started worrying that my visitor would come and find my room empty. It was a stupid worry and I wish I would have just taken all the time I wanted to hold Audrey. But at about five after seven I told my nurse I had to go. I think she was kind of surprised (and maybe a little annoyed) that I was leaving after my first opportunity to hold her. I felt bad, especially when my visitor didn’t come until nearly 8! Oh well, I would have lots of time to hold her soon.
The next day was Monday and the hospital was back to its full staff. Audrey was fully off of her oxygen by then I think. She might have even had her other lines pulled. I can’t remember exactly. I knew she was better though and I was ready to take care of her. But the NICU wanted to make sure that the babies were totally ready to go home, so Audrey had to be off oxygen and be eating well for about a day. I was given the okay to nurse her so I had lactation come help me the first time I tried. Audrey latched on perfectly right away! I was so relieved! After two and a half days of nothing by mouth, then a day with a pacifier, then a day of being bottle fed, she still knew what to do. The lactation consultant was so happy and encouraging. She said I didn’t even need her, that I could teach all these other babies how to latch on.
The next time she didn’t latch on as well, and her sat monitors showed her desatting a bit. It’s a bit hard to nurse with beeping monitors, but I tried to be compliant and let them give her a bottle again. Then they would continue to stuff her full by NG tube. That afternoon I was trying to feed her but how could she eat if she wasn’t hungry?
I was in the NICU with my mom that afternoon and complaining about the feeding policy. I spoke with the nurse and she said that she was just doing her orders. I asked to speak with the doctor, so she went to find him. Incredulously, she came back and told me that he didn’t want to speak with me! I couldn’t believe it! His excuse was that he wasn’t her primary doctor. However, Audrey had had a different doctor every day, so no one was speaking me. No doctor had spoken to me in my room since the first day, and the next morning I caught a few doctors in the NICU that would speak to me, but that was the last of the communication. My mom was getting pretty worked up but I knew throwing a fit wouldn’t help.
So I just explained to the nurse that no doctor had spoken to me, and I would really like to speak to the doctor. She said she would talk to her supervisor. I guess the supervisor spoke to the doctor and a few minutes later he came over and was all nice. I was nice back and even played a little bit of “tell me about my baby oh wise doctor” to suck up. He said she was doing well and was completely weaned off her oxygen, but that they wanted to see her do “normal baby things—eat and poop—for 24 hours.” I explained that I wanted to nurse her and she was latching on well, but that she had no desire to eat because she was being stuffed by bottle. He told me that I could nurse her and changed the order to nursing on demand! That was my one triumph of Audrey’s birth. I had failed at bringing her safely into the world, but now I stood up to the doctor and was able to feed her the way that was best. The orders changed to breastfeeding on demand as long as she took a good feeding, and if it didn’t seem adequate they would follow with a bottle.
The next feeding or two she didn’t do quite as well, and was given a bottle afterwards because I only fed her for a few minutes. Truthfully I knew that this was fine but I played along and let them feed her with a bottle. That evening Audrey had a very breastfeeding friendly nurse taking care of her, and I breastfed exclusively from then on. I feel like that night was the night Audrey really learned to nurse well. The nurse observed me nursing and noted that Audrey was getting good feedings. She called me every couple of hours on my room phone when Audrey was acting hungry again. My milk was coming in and I was starting to get engorged, and my nipples were sore, but it was absolutely nothing like with the boys’ birth. I felt confident that I could nurse Audrey and take her home! She was off everything, and now we just had to prove to the doctors that we could take care of her.
This was pretty amazing because during her first day in the NICU both Kate and the neonatologist were saying she would probably be in the NICU 7-10 days. Instead, on Tuesday, June 24th on her 5th day of life she and I went home together. What a blessing! I was feeling so happy and relieved that everything turned out okay in the end. I got a little annoyed that morning when the nurse told me I couldn’t look at Audrey’s chart, but other than that it really was such a joyous day. I had descended into the pit of sorrow on Audrey’s birth day when I worried for my baby’s life, but now I was riding the waves of joy and gratitude because I was able to bring her home.
It was so special to get her out of her ugly hospital clothes and put her cute take home outfit on. I was discharged a few hours before her and then received all of her discharge instructions. It was early evening when Jason, Audrey and I all left the hospital on a beautiful summer day. I hadn’t been outside in five days and it seemed surreal almost. Jason was very happy as well, since he had actually gotten a bad sore throat and therefore stopped holding Audrey while in the hospital for fear of making her sick. But once we were out of the hospital, it seemed okay to hold her.
Audrey looked so tiny in her car seat and quietly rode home. We got to our clean home, thanks to my mom and brought our sweet Audrey into our home. It was such a wonderful feeling. We were so happy and grateful. Our hearts were full of thanks to Heavenly father for sparing her life. About an hour or so later my mom brought the boys over from the Henriksons. That was so special too! They were so sweet to her and we had a lot of fun introducing them. We have some wonderful pictures of those first few hours. My friend Leah brought dinner and mom had bought a darling little “birthday cake” to celebrate Audrey’s coming home. What a miracle it was!
There are many details I have left out about other visitors and even Jason. Jason was a rock to me the entire time. I wish he would have been more supportive of a vaginal birth, but he was absolutely supportive of me throughout the painful recovery and the even more painful emotions. He did cry a few times through the ordeal, but mostly was encouraging and faithful. And so sweet. He got a terrible headache one day and a bad sore throat another day as I mentioned. It wasn’t a picnic for him either! The hospital was about 40 minutes from our home, and he made several trips back and forth to care for the boys. He stayed with me a night or two, but not the entire time.
We were very happy to have Audrey in our home and in our lives, but I would still feel very sad because I didn’t get to birth her and because of all the trauma that happened. Those first few weeks and even months I cried many, many times. I also had a lot of bad dreams. I don’t feel I had depression, but perhaps a bit of post traumatic stress.
I started reading everything I could get my hands on in terms of books and internet sources. In time, my sadness turned to anger because of the general lack of faith in women’s bodies to give birth and the medicalization of birth. Now, 8 months later, I have a trace of sadness in me, still some anger, but mostly now just much more awareness of all that happened and why. The VBAC climate really is negative now. I feel that I want to try again to have a vaginal birth. At times I feel determined and hopeful, at other times doubtful and scared.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Very intense birth story
Do you love birth stories? I sure do. I can't get enough of them, especially natural birth stories. I read this birth story just now and Wow! I loved it. It is a story of a HBAC breech birth! It's ironic that breech births are automatic c-sections in the hospital, and so therefore women who do not want that have to birth at home, with or without a skilled attendent. Doctors simply don't know how to deliver breech babies anymore, or are unwilling to learn. They are trained in doing surgery, not in supporting a birth.
This myth that breech babies cannot be born vaginally is very ingrained into our minds these days. I myself had my first c-section because my twins were both breech. That might have been the best option for me anyway, but I honestly didn't realize breech babies could be born safely by a vaginal delivery until I did some reading and spoke with people. I know a woman had had a double footling breech 30 years ago in the same hospital Audrey was born. I love her story. I think it's sad though that a woman going to that hospital today would not be given that option. Where are our options going?
Another area where options are diminishing is in VBAC. There are so few providers in the Chicago area that offer VBAC, and even less that truly support it. There are two doctors in the entire Chicago metro area (population in the millions) that will offer a VBA2C. One is in the city of Chicago and one is in Hoffman Estates, neither which are close to me. However, I am grateful there is at least that. Some states have next to no VBAC options at all. And nation wide, a breech baby means a c-section, usually at 39 weeks.
So anyway, I think it's sad that women's choices are so limited in terms of birthing options today. Often the only place a woman can have an opportunity to give birth, instead of being told she needs automatic cesarean surgery, is her home. And almost all the time, those births are safe and satisfying.
This myth that breech babies cannot be born vaginally is very ingrained into our minds these days. I myself had my first c-section because my twins were both breech. That might have been the best option for me anyway, but I honestly didn't realize breech babies could be born safely by a vaginal delivery until I did some reading and spoke with people. I know a woman had had a double footling breech 30 years ago in the same hospital Audrey was born. I love her story. I think it's sad though that a woman going to that hospital today would not be given that option. Where are our options going?
Another area where options are diminishing is in VBAC. There are so few providers in the Chicago area that offer VBAC, and even less that truly support it. There are two doctors in the entire Chicago metro area (population in the millions) that will offer a VBA2C. One is in the city of Chicago and one is in Hoffman Estates, neither which are close to me. However, I am grateful there is at least that. Some states have next to no VBAC options at all. And nation wide, a breech baby means a c-section, usually at 39 weeks.
So anyway, I think it's sad that women's choices are so limited in terms of birthing options today. Often the only place a woman can have an opportunity to give birth, instead of being told she needs automatic cesarean surgery, is her home. And almost all the time, those births are safe and satisfying.
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