Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my long story. I wrote it originally to process everything that happened. I would almost have to rationalize to myself how it came to be that I had the repeat c-section, and it felt better to write it all down. It was plain ol' discouragement that led to the repeat. That is why now I want to do everything I can to encourage women to birth normally. It's like I want to make up for my mistake. But also I always have loved birth and wanted to be a part of it.
I have reread my story several times since I posted it. I still am processing some things, and it's surprising to me how much this time of year is bringing back the memories. Audrey will be a year next month. She is the best baby ever and I love her like crazy! Would I love her more if I had given birth vaginally? No, I don't think it's possible to love her more than I do now. While the way you give birth may affect some initial bonding, I don't think it affects how you love your children. But I do know I would feel a lot more confidence in myself, and I would probably feel more fulfilled.
I've told people before that the best day of my life was my wedding, followed by the boys' birth, followed by kayaking with whales in Alaska. While Audrey is one of the best things to ever happen to me, her birth was probably one of the hardest and saddest days of my life. I still am looking forward to her birthday and a chance to celebrate her, don't get me wrong. I've heard of c-section moms who don't even want to celebrate the first birthday. I'm not that extreme. But I hope my next birth (because I do want another child) can be added to my list of "best days of my life."
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I think you're absolutely right about loving our children. Even if bonding is delayed or disrupted, it's a rare mom who doesn't eventually fall in love with her child. Even having a "natural" vaginal birth doesn't guarantee a quick bond--I struggled to bond with my first baby even though my birth was wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThanks, again, Sarah. You're an inspiration.
I just discovered your blog, and I really appreciate your openness and thoroughness in sharing your story. I read both long posts (couldn't put it down, so to speak) and they gave me much to think about.
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah. I just added you to the blogs I follow, so I thought I'd better introduce myself and come out of "lurker-dom". I found your blog through a google search about birth blogs. I've become a birth junkie and love reading birth stories....thanks so much for allowing me and others to read your story....very powerful!
ReplyDeleteI've had three children.....first was c/s and then two VBACs to follow. My daughter (first VBAC) came 5 days before her due date. My son (2nd VBAC) came 5 days after his due date. I can relate to those "is he ever going to come?" moments. Sometimes I wonder if my daughter had had my son's timing, would I have even VBACed? Would my OB have convinced me to have the RCS? Questions I'll never know the answers to, but I just want to encourage you to go for that VBA2C.....sounds like you wouldn't have it any other way! ;o)